sometimes it’s hard to wrap an experience in words in a way that doesn’t make it seem cheap or trite or worth less than it was.
it’s hard to say: a miracle happened.
but sometimes they do, and you want to acknowledge them. so you try to find a way, and come up short. so you do this – talk about that. about the coming up short. and hope that somehow, the thing you want to express will find its way out somehow. a hopeful application of grease to the wheels of empty discourse.
i surrendered. and a miracle happened. there’s no other way to explain it, even though i have never liked or believed or wanted to use that word. something i was struggling with and struggling with and struggling with – finally i just broke open and the struggle ceased. something completely out of my control took place. a subtle, healing, seemingly completely coincidental happening. two inches more here or there, two seconds difference in time, and it wouldn’t have happened. but it did. and something twisted and tangled and anguished in me was smoothed, extinguished, integrated. in an instant.
because i’d let go. completely.