tagged image file formatchess

as it turns out, the song i posted previously from hott mt is available on itunes. good ol’ itunes. but otherwise is only available from burger records on cassette and 7” (well, as far as i know)

here’s the hott mt song from my previous post: never hate again (single of same name) featuring wayne coyne [the flaming lips]

another hott mt album available on itunes: i made this with my favourite song ykwyr (you know when you’re right) which i’m featuring here in today’s posting.

and what a great video right?  i bet all my future pizzas right.

actually instead of spreading it out (not that i planned on spreading out) i’ll just go ahead and share some songs from my recent listenings.

bye bye land from hooded fang on the album gravez

letters from tokyo (sayonara) from rachel zeffira on the album the deserters

ooze out and away, onehow from cocteau twins and harold budd from the album the moon and the melodies

a clue-in to my previous post title:

[from explaining one of my reoccurring dreams to someone]

“i go through the backyards of everything. where the front yards of things are pinched like your head in a funhouse mirror. you know they’re there but you have no access to them.”

and, i guess or suppose (or whatevers) that that’s how i’m seeing myself recently: my head pinched off in funhouse mirrors. it’s there, i know it, but my senses just aren’t getting it on the full band, only grasshopper garble through those bent silvery mistresses.

and so i’ve been thinking even more now about stuff. maybe not “thinking even more” it’s more the what that i’m thinking about that is shifting, at least for the nows.

boundary is an issue with me. i don’t think that mental boundary was something i lost, i think it was never there for me. as a child there was more structure, more “default support” that i feel disguised my being- even to myself.

and i’m not really unlearning all the programmings and conditions, i don’t care about that in-of-itself- it’s about me doing what feels to be done. by nature, or by what comes by that whole dynamic of instinct, wisdom, intellect, intuition – whatever.

i’m not just mindlessly “following what my nature tells me to do” it’s more like utilizing the stuff i’m made of, my biology as well as my learnings.

that i don’t sense boundaries so easily might be a good thing, but then it doesn’t provide for easy. it’s not my back-of-the-hand familiar. it doesn’t help me when i’m down. it’s just not there. and i can’t borrow that familiar from anyone else, even though others will try to lend me there familiars. that is not the way my being operates – it seems.

perhaps i’m not “trying hard enough” or “want it enough” but where is that a valid point and the point of “being one’s self/true to one’s self” ?

who decides this stuff? the world is a mess to me; and exciting for it. but having to operate as an interactive member of this [human] agency in the world ~ ulf nocho!*

*ulf nocho means “the word.” literally it means “dictionary” or “glossary” but i never use it like that. ok, once i did to title my personal coin goss. and “goss” is short and combination of “gauze” and “gossamer” or the way i see things: through semi-opaque layers of delicate web of collective details. ulf nocho is used here to express my feeling of the fullness of the world, all it’s parts and peripheral – but in other words “dang!”

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