i’m not good at grief. i’ve never been. i’ve gotten more comfortable with navigating and letting myself feel other things, but grief still tricks me. i think i’m moving through, and then i realize i’ve gotten somehow stuck. i don’t know how to just let myself be in it. feel it. move through. or not. my urge is just to bypass.
i know i can’t.
i’ve been meditating a lot. a whole lot. and that helps.
the past few days, though, i got a bit off the routine i’d been making for myself, and i can feel it. i can feel that urge to push or turn away from just being. the feelings overwhelm me, and my instinct is to react to them, rather than simply respond. or just to acknowledge. again, just be.
i’m sitting here, and i am realizing that i need to find acceptance and surrender, again. i thought i was finding something of that sense of things. but these things unfold more slowly than some part of me is comfortable allowing. the experience happens in waves.
each wave is less of a surge, though. the tide is moving out, if ever so incrementally. the hard part about that is the realization, as the feelings diminish, the hopes and regret begin to fade and become more blurry in the distance, that it is coming to be time.
time to take one last long, sad, yearning, wistful, regretful look at what i had hoped could be, and what i am leaving behind… and say goodbye to it.
and walk away.
this is the grief i haven’t wanted to walk through yet. i haven’t had the bravery to feel the finality of loss. to just sit, looking out at the yard, with the fading afternoon sunlight washing the green grass and the buds emerging from gnarled winter branches… listening to the traffic rush by on the highway… and say goodbye, in my heart.
let the tears pour forth.