i do these “studies.” like the root meditation i do, these studies intend to fine tune my intuition’s collections.  intuition or “gut” as well as wisdom are fed by what we observe. but what we observe may be skewed or obscured. i look for “triangulation” to help me check and balance what i nourish my intuition with.  you may be able to fool one or two or three(i know triangulate is three) angles but when one corroborates with many sources it is more difficult to mislead or commit the wrong idea to intuition.

right now, or in the relative recent (which i’ve meditate-discovered is around three weeks now-ish) i’ve been feeling a very heightened sense of self, and by result – of all others or “my surroundings.”

in feeling my emotions out and attempting to articulate or interact with them, in a more tangible sense, i’ve come across some songs i’ve never heard before but might as well have already been apart of my audio-lexicon.

the song i’ve attached immediately makes me think of gabi.  we talked about “stitsch”(a word i coined that combines stitch with kitsch) some time ago but it preceded even that time when we talked about it.  it is not nostalgia, it has something to do with what our mind puts together based on all those comforting experiences whether in music, event, shapes, movement, faces, or anything that the senses provide. of course some of the most powerful things in our lives are those we bond to. the bonds we make in your youth are not only perhaps stronger in application but also have more time to brew with us than newer mature-stage bondings. that’s not to say that mature- or adult-stage bondings cannot be as strong or stronger than those of our developmental stages.

this aggregated-realm we create is stitsch. it makes your nose twitsch and your cheeks cramp from that deep smile. that sort of smile that hits the back of your face before your mouth catches up.

a few years ago i did a study on myself. a deep searching utilizing many resources including lots of rooting meditation. the study centered on the stitschy contributor that seemed to come from the beginning of the last century (specifically 1910s to about 1940s). i wanted to answer the question “what is my favourite year from that time period that influences me?”

i found that what i was responding to was not the time period i thought of, but an aggregate combination of various aspects of adjacent periods.  kind of like a remix of time by some dj.  i was borrowing elements and flavours from as far back as the 1870s all the way to the mid 1950s  to create this feeling that i had thought was some time in the late 1930s.

i usually would say that i was feeling it “from the 30s.” but now i know that it’s not so static as that. so i continued to study myself, and i arrived at an average year that could be my favourite. it encompasses many different aspects such as the developmental elements that occurred at the time (milestones in architecture, or new movements in art, city engineering, medicine, popular culture) as well as visual elements such as clothing, signage, aggregate city appearance and more abstract elements such as associations of people of the time, jargon, styles of attitude, behaviour, etc.

i saw i was responding to an era of animation that was more the late 1930s, so i adjusted the average. then i saw i was responding to clothing that was more in the late 10s to late 20s, so i adjusted the average. i started to form a “wave” diagram illustrating the popular range and variance. as i added data to the equation the wave became refined and enlongated to encompass a time period well into the 1700s and earlier. i had to establish a cut off point because there was no real boundary to the influences i was or am reacting/responding to.

the cut off point was centered on the sensaiton i was originally responding to that seemed to come from the 1930s. so i had to sort it all out, like how i used to do with my mom when we’d clean our beans.

after considering all the elements i found that my favourite year of that time is 1927.  i didn’t choose this as you can see. it was already there, i just had to discover it. or perhaps take the time to comprehend it.

i am in an odd or weird place these days.  i am happy, grateful, thankful or appreciative of “being” but at the same time i am sad about the extra things that seem like i could have in my life, but that aren’t. i feel ashamed, perhaps, that i can’t serve those things with more strength or excellence.

i just want to do good. not just for myself. not just for others. it’s for everything, there are no boundaries.  what you do, whatever you do – radiates.

right now i’ve found myself in a hopeful place. full of hope and promise. my history says that it won’t last, that i won’t be able to maintain it. i am wary or cautious of the effect of “self-fulfilling prophecy.”  at the same time i am not going to be so naive as to waive off the reality that is established by my own experience and abstract projections.  as always, there is a dance of balance that helps. i will mind it’s way. 

maybe i’ll be able to maintain this place i’m in. i’ll probably have to muscle my way through the low tide when it happens. i’m hopeful.


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