i’ve been feeling this growing sensation. it’s been with me for some time, but something must be happening because it’s changing. . .
i take mediation on myself over issues i’m curious about: clearing the mind to answer questions. a strange kind of mediation no? in doing this kind of routing mediation, i find the source of things easier. this goes mainly for understanding the root of my reactions, my intuition, my wisdom. i feel these things are subtleties that can slip under the daily nose. it’s not fussy i don’t think – at least- i’m not obsessed at doing this. it comes natural and it feels necessary or “right.” like a sort of purge of my question filter. because i have tons of questions building up all the time, maybe i have a “filter” so that my mind is a bit clearer and not so dusty-question.
so maybe i’ll take meditation on this relative change, but for now i just wanted to write it out.
i’ve noticed that i’m just tired. i’m tired of not being able to talk or express myself. there’s so many questions, so many things to share, so many ideas to work on and people that need to be involved – but, well at least in my current environments there is no one that is in synch with my flavours, my rhythms, my level of question or patience for the exchange necessary.
also, i’m always overloaded with share; with question. i do my best to hold back the torrent, but that’s how it goes when things are held back – you get overwhelmed when you poke the flood wall; touch the underside of a tent in rain.
what i’ve noticed in being this “tired” way is that i’m not holding back like i have/could before. maybe i’m realizing something subconciously, perhaps it’s something else, but i’m feeling different about myself, about others, about the world. to hear myself talk like this is almost nonsense since i always feel that way about myself; the world.
but- this is something different.
people like to cite “midlife crisis” like so many other knee-jerked phrases. but while i’m human, i just don’t feel i have what it takes to fit the midlife crisis category.
category and word are tough. people want them. people need them to understand you. otherwise i could/should just talk in my own language or gibberish.
“why do you have to be understood?”
well it’s a basic biological function. i’m not talking about having to be understood. my ego does not need it. i’m talking about the basic function of communication and comprehension. to effectively communicate an idea. and “communicate” implies that there is a receiving party whether that be in the abstract (like writing to your future self, unknown audience as in a book) or concrete.
i want to share, but how. i don’t seem to speak in the same brevity that i find in my surround(in those around me). i just don’t do too well with being concise. however, i have become better at it over the years. shucks, maybe i’m not taking it seriously enough. but i feel i am. i want to share. i want to connect.
but despite all of that crazy – i still walk and type and eat things and live. it’s just too exciting already. why do i want more. “more” being able to share and exchange and connect with people about more than the point zero zero one percent that it feels like i’m able to now.
bleh: part two
it’s off to lumber land for me. i hope all youse out there find excitement slapping your face here and there. it’s a kick! i mean, slap.