i am feeling heart-heavier than i was yesterday, or even this morning. sometimes you don’t even realize that you are experiencing a period of adjustment until it just hits you in the gut. you’d think there’d be more of a gradient for that sort of thing.
this happens to me… i buzz along, just doing my do, being happy or just being, and then something unnoticed happens, and everything shifts focus. even though, technically, nothing has changed, nonetheless, something has changed. a realization has set in. where once there was an intellectual comprehension of a situation, it becomes supplanted by a visceral, emotional understanding of reality.
loss often feels like a rock landing in my chest.
the reverberations of feeling lost can begin to make anything seem different. the steak on my plate could have seemed infinitely inspiring twenty minutes ago, but when i contemplate the larger picture of my current situation, and the fact that i am missing someone dear to me, it becomes a source of sadness. same steak. same day. same girl. same meal. but suddenly, bleak. yearning. longing. frightened.
and then, pick up fork, cut into steak, bite, chew…
and it’s just life again. it’s all as real as anything, and inspiration will come again. and then sadness. and then all of the other things that make up the texture of existence.